Ordination of Sarah Horton-Campbell

Sermon for the Ordination of Sarah Horton-Campbell 
Offered by Katherine Henderson
June 3, 2018
Pilgrim UCC, Durham, North Carolina

We are living in reactionary times. In the face of global migration and increasing diversity, we are building literal walls to keep people out. In reaction to civil rights progress, systemic racism emerged in new and insidious forms, including mass incarceration fed by the war on drugs and the school-to-prison pipeline. In response to increasingly successful environmental regulations, false debates emerged about the degree and cause of our ecological sickness and who exactly should pay for collective healing. In response to the incredible rise in wealth in our country over the last century, we became not more generous but more stingy, the rich getting richer while the poor get still poorer. All of these societal reactions stem from a blinding individualism that negates the truth: that we belong to each other, our bodies woven together in the divine tapestry.

This is an urgent moment in the life of our country and our world. Creation itself is groaning, and many are turning away in despair. But we, as Christians, are the guardians of an ancient story of hope and resilience. Our story is about both utter failure and ultimate triumph. Our faith is anchored in an embodied God who moves into suffering in order to claim the suffering ones as part of God’s very self. It is this Christianity that can equip us to stand in the fire of the present day, to move toward suffering while holding each other up with the precious scaffolding of hope. It is this story that can give us the strength to stand with people of conscience and compassion of all faiths, and no faith, for the liberation of all.

UCC pastor Matthew Laney wrote in a recent devotional: “At its most basic level, Christianity is not about getting to heaven. Christianity is about heaven coming to us, in and through the person of Jesus Christ.” We need more Christ in the world. Not the white-skinned Jesus of the empire, but the dark-skinned Christ of radical inclusion. The one who lifted up the poor and the vulnerable, and always stood on the side of the marginalized, even when he risked everything to do so. We need more of this Christ in this world, right now. And to do that we need people who will continue to be the church in this broken world, in new and creative ways. We need people who have come alive to their sacred calling. 

How do we know where and how God is calling us to serve? 

In a few minutes, Sarah’s friend Roman will offer a song by Cloud Cult called “To the Great Unknown.” It includes these lyrics:

“Sometimes this life’s a lonely road, but you gotta find it on your own.
So build a happy ship, cuz this livin’ is a trip.
You gotta sing the kind of song that you like singing
...to the Great Unknown."

Amidst all the confusions of our modern life, battered by internal voices of ego and external voices of judgment and pressure, it can seem nearly impossible to find our own true way of singing to the Great Unknown, which some of us call God. But when we find our voice and our song, it literally brings us to life. Only then can we authentically create, love and serve. 

The search for self and vocation are intimately linked. And this is no selfish process, but rather the way we hear God’s call on our lives in order to live into God’s grand vision for Creation. As Howard Thurman put it, what the world urgently needs is people who have come alive.

As I write this, my seven year old is downstairs playing Legos while singing a song from our recent children’s musical at church. “We are all made in the image of God, we are all made in the image of God!” When he gets bored of singing that one, he moves on to another verse: “We are li-ving in the image of God, we are li-ving in the image of God!” There is a critical distinction between these verses. The first is the all-important recognition of our divine likeness: we are all made in the image of God. This is a state of being, if only we can claim it. The second shifts to the active: we are living in the image of God. This is a state of doing.

Vocational discernment requires, first, a recognition of our divine likeness. This is not to say that we are perfect, but rather that we have the capacity to be whole, that our very bodies are holy. This is a state of being. When we know the shape of our sacred soul, then we are best equipped to go out and embody the love of God. This is a state of doing: living in the image of God.

Our denomination believes that every church member has a calling, with unique gifts to share in the church’s ministry. Some of us are called to serve as activists, or lay leaders, or musicians; some of us are called to visit the sick, or gather food for the hungry. And some of us are called to ordained ministry. 

What does it mean to be called to ordained ministry? I offer the following thoughts quite humbly, still being in the midst of this call process myself. I cannot offer the wisdom of a seasoned pastor, decades into pastoral leadership. But I can illuminate what I understand, and what I hope, as someone working daily with these questions.

An ordained minister is authorized by the United Church of Christ to preach and teach the gospel, to administer the sacraments and rites of the church, and to exercise pastoral care and leadership. For some, discerning a call to ordained ministry comes through a vivid moment, like Moses and the burning bush. Others become aware of their call gradually as they go about their life and work. In my experience, this gradual sort of call involves a growing inner knowledge, developed in dialogue with the still, small voice of God. If it were only our own perception we might doubt its validity; but then some of our mentors, friends, family and community members see it too. They might see it before we do. And these people, in cahoots with God, offer us holy breadcrumbs along the path of discernment.

Sarah has followed her holy breadcrumbs faithfully, and they have led her to this moment of ordination. She first heard her call to ministry at age fourteen, thanks to a vibrant youth pastor in her UMC church. Sarah’s discernment process has taken her into studies of social justice and liberation theology, social work and community organizing. She followed her call to DC, immersing herself in the Church of the Saviour’s Discipleship Year. Sarah intuitively understood the potential for young people to embody the radical love of Jesus and disrupt unjust systems, and so she invested the first chapter of her ministry in developing young adults to do that very work. Over the past two decades, Sarah has been following the winding path of discernment, increasingly feeling called to serve as a bridge between the church and the needs of the world. Today, with the loving support of Pilgrim UCC, the Eastern North Carolina Association of the UCC, and many others, she surrenders and accepts the call to ordained ministry.

This process of listening for God’s call on your life, and singing your song in response, is a lifelong journey of commitment and discernment. For you, Sarah, it began two decades ago, and with the grace of God, it will continue for many more. 

In some ways this moment of ordination represents a culmination of vocational discernment; in other ways it is just the beginning. One of my mentors, Rev. Sandy Reimer, is a longtime UCC pastor who served a vibrant and creative church. Sandy told me that ordination is not a one-time event, but rather is “lived out again and again as you recommit your vision, life and energy to the gospel in response to the ever changing call to what the world needs, to what the people you serve need, and to your own abilities to serve.” 

Today we celebrate Sarah’s formal commitment to ordained ministry. Her vocation will continue to evolve from here, providing powerful opportunities to create and serve while walking with people through both great joy and great sorrow. It is a tremendous privilege and honor to be ordained; and it is also a heavy burden, even in the best of times. 

Sarah, my friend: I believe that you will find the sustenance you need to live out your ordination. You have developed regular spiritual practices to connect deeply with self and God. All those gathered here, and many more beyond these walls, commit to continue loving you and giving of themselves to support both your ministry and your personal wellbeing. I believe that your new church plant, Common Life Church & Farm, will be both the best kind of challenge and also a source of spiritual nourishment for you and many others. 

I don’t know how your sacred song will go from here, but I know you have all you need to continue singing in faith and joy. You have answered the call to create sacred community as an ordained minister, binding us together in Christ while the world threatens to tear us apart. Your work is deliciously embodied against our cultural headiness, deliberately collective against our rampant individualism. I know the world will be better for your singing, and that all of us are part of your song, too.

Each of us, here, has a calling and a sacred song. If we have the courage to sing our songs together, our voices will soar into a chorus that shakes the very foundations of power. Against the forces of heartlessness and evil, we sing! Against false idols and selfishness, we sing! Against hopelessness and despair, we sing!

If you listen closely, our new song sounds very much like an old song. It’s an ancient story of suffering and hope, of sacred community, of solidarity and resistance and resurrection. 

The world is aching for this very song. Let us sing!

Joseph Revealed

*Follow this link to listen to audio of this sermon via United Church of Chapel Hill*

Scripture: Joseph Reveals Himself to His Brothers, Genesis 45:1-15 (NRSV)

Joseph Revealed

Offered to United Church of Chapel Hill by Katherine Henderson

August 20, 2017

Last Saturday I sat in my parents’ home in Massachusetts, glued to the live videos of the white supremacist protests in Charlottesville. They chanted slogans of hate ripped straight from the mouths of their Nazi and KKK predecessors. Like all terrorists, white supremacists are bullies. Their hatred and fear make them small, vindictive and dangerous. On Friday night the police stood quietly, no riot gear in sight, protecting the right of these violent bullies to freely speak hate in the land of the free.

Rev. Traci Blackmon, the UCC’s Executive Minister for Justice and Witness Ministries, was there in Charlottesville. You may remember her powerful preaching when she visited us for a Lenten retreat last spring. Rev. Blackmon and many others traveled to Charlottesville to offer a faithful resistance to the white supremacists. Friday night, clergy and laypeople of many faiths and colors packed into a church in Charlottesville. They sang of freedom, of love triumphing over evil, even while torch-carrying bodies streamed around the church. They were a beacon of light in a dark night of white terror.

Eventually the police evacuated the church, shuttling worshippers out into the back alleys, fearful for the safety of those who sang and prayed inside. After leaving the sanctuary, Rev. Blackmon saw the faces of the terrorists carrying fire and shouting Nazi slogans in the night. This is significant: she saw their faces. They didn’t even bother to wear sheets. Now, she says, white supremacists wear “polos and oxfords. And they look like students." Those terrorists streaming through Charlottesville—they looked like students. They are somebody’s neighbors, co-workers, cousins. Maybe yours or mine.

As a white, straight, Christian, I am not among the groups targeted by white supremacists. I cannot understand how it feels to be a person of color, or a Jew, or a queer person seeing the images from Charlottesville. But I am listening, deeply, to the voices of those most affected, trying to be a witness to the fresh pain heaped upon centuries of oppression and trauma. And what I do know is this: our freedom is bound up together. We belong to each other, our bodies woven together in the divine tapestry. I can feel this truth in my bones. And when our collective body is hurt by white supremacy—from an egregious display like Charlottesville to the ongoing, everyday violence of racist systems—we all suffer. And God suffers with us.

Public theologian Jennifer Bailey says “white supremacy is not just an ideology, but a theology.” According to Rev. Bailey, we Americans are “indoctrinated to worship the God of whiteness as that which is to be aspired to, that which is holy.” White churches, since colonial times, have helped build a society that worships whiteness and denigrates blackness. We are part of this unholy legacy.

White supremacy sees life as a zero-sum game in which there are never enough resources to go around. One terrorist in Charlottesville was so drenched in this virulent evil that he drove his car into a group of counter-protestors, killing Heather Heyer and wounding nineteen others. The leader of the North Carolina KKK sent his congratulations.

Lord, in your mercy: hear our prayer.

This is a dangerous and frightening moment in our country and in the world, a moment when our president engages in nuclear posturing while enabling neo-Nazis with his lukewarm rebukes and outright lies. Many of us are scared and heartbroken. What does wisdom look like, in this moment?

Let us look for a word of wisdom together in today’s scripture. Here we have a piece of the story of Joseph. Joseph was his father’s favorite, and his brothers were very jealous of him. Joseph’s brothers wanted to grab all the power and privilege for themselves; they didn’t think there was enough to go around. They banded together to terrorize Joseph and sell him into slavery in Egypt.  

Joseph, recovering from this betrayal, manages to survive and even thrive in a difficult world. He grows up. Many years later, his brothers come to Egypt in great need, their families starving in Israel. They have no idea their brother is alive, much less in a position of power. In our reading for today, Joseph reveals his identity to his brothers, weeping uncontrollably. Joseph’s brothers are initially worried, thinking the one they betrayed will send them away to starve. But Joseph does not choose retribution. Instead he initiates a process of forgiveness. This is how God works in the story—God nudges Joseph, the wounded one, toward forgiveness instead of retribution.

But our text for today is not the beginning of Joseph’s story—it’s the end, the “reveal” as they say in magic. To get the full picture, we have to back up a bit. At first, when Joseph’s brothers come to Egypt looking for help, Joseph hides his identity from them. He doesn’t jump straight to forgiveness and reconciliation. No—first he accuses them of being spies, and throws them into jail! Joseph puts his brothers through a series of tests to see if they would betray their youngest brother, Benjamin, who had taken over the role of favorite son. Joseph tests his brothers to hold them accountable and to see whether they had changed.

Through the Joseph story we learn a couple of critical things about forgiveness. One: forgiveness is a process that includes accountability. And two: forgiveness and reconciliation must be directed by the one who was wronged, not imposed or coerced by others.

Sometimes we are lucky enough to be like Joseph, weeping with gratitude at the grace of forgiving another. And sometimes, we are like his brothers, trying to hoard privilege, betraying our brethren, and dumbfounded by the possibility that we might be forgiven.

The full Joseph story includes a lot more detail and nuance about his brothers. They were not a homogenous group. Some wanted to kill him; one wanted to save him; another finally convinced the group to sell him into slavery. When I envision the story, I imagine that there were a couple of ringleader brothers. These guys thought their family was a zero-sum game. They created an enemy, Joseph, and got the whole group drunk on their jealousy and hatred of him.

Those ringleader brothers: those are the kind of people who would chant Nazi slogans and call for genocide. Those are the kind of people who would drive a car into a crowd of unarmed protestors. Right? It is easy for us to see and name them as evil. But there were some other brothers, the quiet ones, who went along with the plan. They may have disagreed, or even mourned their brother Joseph. But it wasn’t enough. They were silent, and so they were complicit in the betrayal.

I am a white person complicit in the sins of racism. I am part of the system of white supremacy that continues to betray the most vulnerable among us. And in this moment, I must face my identity as one of Joseph’s brothers. I’m not one of the ringleaders, but I am one of those quiet brothers. It is long past time that people like me hold ourselves accountable. We need to listen more to those who have been betrayed, and then follow their lead. This process of accountability and action will begin to set us all free.

As we work our way into deeper accountability, we must always remember: we are still and always beloved. Each of us is made in the image of God. We, like Joseph’s brothers, make grievous mistakes. But those mistakes do not have to define us or make us small. God offers us her deep well of forgiveness, renewing us for the hard work ahead.

Let’s circle back to the scripture and to Charlottesville. I’ve named Joseph’s brothers—both the neo-Nazi ringleaders and the quiet brothers who prefer not to get involved. Then we have Joseph, who embodies the divine process of healing. Who is Joseph, today, in Charlottesville?

For me, Joseph is the interfaith, interracial body of clergy and friends, the ones who had been evacuated from the church. On Saturday they linked arms and walked through the streets in silent protest. In their silence, the peace of God rippled out in waves. Where others contracted in hate, they expanded in grace. They were Joseph, demanding accountability while also offering God’s profound love. Their bodies, in magnificent diversity, herald a vision of justice that is much, much larger than we can imagine.

Asked what it was like to march through the streets of Charlottesville, author and activist Lisa Sharon Harper said: “We knew what we were walking into. We knew we might not come back… With each step, I just kept holding on to the call to love.” Rev. Susan Frederick-Gray, president of the Unitarian Universalist Association, said:  "They had their guns and shields. We had our songs, our faith, our love. And we had each other. "

There is an expansive movement of love afoot in the world, bringing together people of all colors, people of many faiths and no faith. It was on display in downtown Durham on Friday, when justice-loving people prevented a KKK rally, drumming and dancing out their joy and commitment. It was on display in downtown Boston yesterday, when thousands of justice-loving people marched to Boston Common, overwhelming the small number of white supremacists.

Our church has long been part of this movement, and we have more work to do. Yes, the protests this week are horrifying—but also they are nothing new. The roots of systemic racism run deep in this country, infecting all our institutions, including the church. United Church’s “Racial Truth, Justice and Reconciliation Covenant” is printed in your bulletin on page 9. I encourage all of us to read, meditate, and pray on these commitments. Each of us is responsible for embodying this covenant in order to make lasting change in the institutions that shape our lives.

There are a thousand ways to show up. As Luna Makeda Rosecrans wrote yesterday on Facebook, “Some folks feel called to physically get in the streets and protest…. Some give monetarily. Some offer their legal, medical or spiritual services. In a movement to over turn hundreds of years of oppression, there is space for everyone, and everyone's gifts are absolutely necessary…. Think of the Underground Railroad. Those safe houses were unmarked because the slaves needed a safe place to rest, to keep moving. You can be a Nat Turner or you can be a safe house. We need both.”

For those of us who are white, let’s hear this loud and clear—not as permission to stay in our comfort zones, but as a call to figure out where we personally are called to show up against injustice. Because, as our own UCCH member Joey Honeycutt says, “we are indeed called to different places, but that doesn’t mean we get to stay where we are comfortable.”

I’ll leave you with these words from Susan Bro, mother of Heather Heyer. Speaking at her daughter’s funeral this week, Susan said:

“This is just the beginning of Heather’s legacy. You need to find in your heart that small spark of accountability…You poke that finger at yourself, like Heather would have done, and you… take that extra step… We are gonna be angry with each other, but let’s channel that anger not into violence, hate, fear—but let’s channel it into righteous action. Right now there are people here willing to listen and talk to one another…. The conversations have to happen. That’s the only way we are going to carry Heather’s spark. So remember: if you’re not outraged, you’re not paying attention… I’d rather have my child, but if I can’t: then by golly we’re gonna make it count.”

Amen and blessed be.

Mustard Seeds

Matthew 13: 31-33, 34-35   (NRSV)

³¹ He put before them another parable: “The kingdom of heaven is like a mustard seed that someone took and sowed in his field; ³² it is the smallest of all the seeds, but when it has grown it is the greatest of shrubs and becomes a tree, so that the birds of the air come and make nests in its branches.”

³³ He told them another parable: “The kingdom of heaven is like yeast that a woman took and mixed in with three measures of flour until all of it was leavened.”

³⁴ Jesus told the crowds all these things in parables; without a parable he told them nothing. ³⁵ This was to fulfill what had been spoken through the prophet: “I will open my mouth to speak in parables; I will proclaim what has been hidden from the foundation of the world.”

Sermon for La Mesa at United Church of Chapel Hill

Sunday July 30, 2017
Katherine Henderson

Our Scripture reading for today comes from the Gospel of Matthew. We will focus together on the story about the mustard seed.

Jesus says that the kingdom of heaven starts with a small seed, which is planted in a field. When the seed grows it becomes a large tree, big enough for birds to live in its branches.

Parables, as we know, are stories that Jesus used to communicate a lesson. Jesus said that he speaks in parables in order to “proclaim what has been hidden.” So we will look together for meaning on several levels.

Who has heard the mustard seed story before? What are the mustard seed and field are supposed to symbolize? (congregation offers answers)

In a general sense, this parable is about the contrast between small, humble beginnings and big, great endings. Jesus is an optimist. He tells a story about the fruits of faith. He says if we invest something small and precious, if we tend it with faith and love, then by the grace of God it will grow and multiply.

A traditional interpretation for this parable says that the mustard seed represents the growth of the church from small beginnings. Jesus is the planter and also the seed. He plants his faith and ministry in a field, which represents the hurting world.

Jesus was just one person. His life and ministry were tiny—like a mustard seed—compared to the vast political empire of his time. But his subversive truth, in which the powerless and the hurting are the closest to God, grew deep roots. Jesus died, but the seeds of his revolutionary love for the outcast, the forgotten, and the suffering grew strong.

The seed of Jesus’s life and teachings takes root and grows, first into a hardy little shrub—the early church. Then that shrub keeps growing into a great tree. We are part of that great tree, which is the Body of Christ—God’s hands and feet in the world.

Here’s another level of meaning to this parable. What if the mustard seed represents the divine spark of the Holy Spirit in each of us? The field is our own souls and bodies: yours, yours, yours, and mine.

If we tend to the Spirit within us, we grow our connection with the divine. This tending is a quiet, internal process. We water our Spirit with prayer and contemplation.

When we quiet our own ego, we might hear the whisper of the divine. We, each of us, contain this mustard seed: the seed of divine love and transformation.

This is like what Pastor David preached last week: that each of us is a living temple. Wherever we go is a holy place. The church is just a building; the people are holy, carrying the light of God within.

Elsewhere in the Bible, a kernel of mustard represents a small, powerful amount of faith that becomes something else. This concentrated little piece of faith has the power to transform, to evolve, into a new form.

What will you do with your divine mustard seed? How will it transform you?

If you are willing, close your eyes for a moment. Imagine the mustard seed of the Spirit within you. Does it have a shape, a color? Does it live in your heart, or run through your veins?

Breathe deeply. You contain the seeds of Jesus’s revolutionary love. It is powerful enough to hold all our suffering. Can you feel it?

Now imagine an answer to this question: what will this seed of divine Spirit grow in me? Maybe I will grow greater resilience, compassion, or gratitude. Maybe I will grow hope for myself, or my loved ones, or for the world.

Find a name for what you want to grow in the ground of your soul. This is your prayer; this is how the seed of God is working in you.

Open your eyes. Turn to the person next to you and tell them what you will grow.

Now we hold these prayers of transformation for ourselves and our friends.

When we are transformed by the divine, we know how to speak and act with compassion for ourselves and others. And then, when we come together as the church, we can truly be that great tree. Grounded in the God within, our collective roots will run deep and strong.

Together we are that great tree, our veins shining with divine love. Together we are strong enough to hold suffering. Together we can pursue God’s vision of justice and serve as God’s hands and feet in the world.

Each of us was made in the image of God. Each of us carries the seeds of divine transformation.

What will you do with your divine mustard seed? How will it transform you?

The mustard seed is within. It is the seed of divine love and transformation. Look within, water that seed, and prepare to grow. Amen.

Deep Listening Matters

A sermon by Katherine Henderson, delivered at United Church of Gainesville on September 6, 2015 as part of a collaborative service with Senior Minister Shelly Wilson.

I am honored to be here with you today, in dialogue with Shelly and all of you. My name is Katherine Henderson. I am a self-employed urban planner and an Adjunct Professor at the University of Florida. My husband Barron is an Assistant Professor at UF, and our two sons are four and seven. Our family was a part of another large UCC church in North Carolina, so when we moved here three years ago we were thrilled to discover the United Church of Gainesville.

This service is about the transformative power of listening. And this sermon is about listening to the truth about racism and white privilege as spoken by people of color. I offer these stories with humility and an open heart, and the hope that we can continue to listen together.

Over the past year, the shattering realities of systematic police violence against black people and the burning of black churches have finally broken through to me. I am from a primarily white suburb of Boston where we thought it was impolite to talk about race, preferring “color-blindness” to actual discussions of difference and inequity. I moved through the world cloaked in white privilege, viewing racism as a primarily historical and individual problem. The past year’s tragedies shook me awake to the fact that racism is much more systemic and insidious than I had ever imagined, and that through my ignorance I was part of the problem.

So when I heard about a new online course by Patti Digh called “Hard Conversations: An Introduction to Racism,” I signed up. We have explored, through readings, videos, interviews and conversation, everything from the problems with “color-blindness” and appropriation of black culture to institutional racism in our healthcare system, schools, criminal justice system, workplaces, and neighborhoods. This is not only the stuff of history; this is today’s reality. And it is hurting all of us.

A few weeks ago, as part of this course, Melanie DewBerry spoke to our class. Melanie is a professional speaker and life coach who is also a woman of color. Her words were directed right to me—a well-meaning white person scared to talk about race, afraid to be wrong, to offend or be embarrassed. Melanie said: “You are only afraid of the conversation [about race]—I’m afraid in my car, in my home.” Her fear is in response to countless incidents of bias, suspicion and violence against people of color for such offenses as sitting outside too long in their own cars. And then she asked us, the privileged, to “Listen to these stories—to the way these stories serve you. Be conscious that while you are receiving privilege, daily, scores of people will never receive it.”

At the end of the call, Melanie said to Patti, the white activist organizing the course: “If you were standing here in front of me right now, I would bow to you.” She offered this virtual bow in gratitude for the deep listening she had received from Patti and, through her, from hundreds of others. Melanie was grateful for the courage of all these listeners, and for the respect her story received. Being heard did not rewrite her experience, but it did lessen her suffering, at least for that moment.

When we really listen, as Patti did for Melanie, we create a sacred space. We meet the God in another person, and they meet the God in us. The Quaker concept of Inner Light says that in every human soul there is implanted a certain element of God’s own Spirit. This element, known to early Friends as "that of God in everyone", or "the seed of Christ", means to Friends, in the words of John 1:9, "the true Light, which lighteth every man that cometh into the world". [1] When we listen to each other with humility and empathy, the “true Light which lighteth” every person in the world spreads and grows, bathing us in its peace.

This kind of deep listening does not come naturally to most of us, because our brains are wired to run from any kind of pain, whether physical or emotional. My favorite way of running from other people’s pain is offering unsolicited advice. Instead of communicating love and support, my solutions sound more like “If I were you I would already know how to fix it! So let’s move on.” Actually listening to someone else’s pain with an open heart, without thinking about what to say next, or trying to solve their problem, is a skill that does not come naturally to me.

Sometimes, after just a little bit of listening I get impatient. I jump from ignorance to arrogance, suddenly qualified to figure out the solutions myself and jump into action. Lost, again, is humility—and lost is the transformation that could have occurred, if I were willing to stay in discomfort and let that discomfort be my teacher.

Every one of our human relationships and communities offers opportunities for us to learn through discomfort. Sometimes, in a fit of such discomfort, I will pray, as the great Anne Lamott has taught me: “Help.” And, as you may have discovered, God rarely responds with clear instructions or answers. Instead, God offers us deep listening: "Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you." (Jeremiah 29:12). God does listen, and she listens well, even if sometimes I am frustrated by the quiet. God is the best deep listener I know.

On another August evening, I sat at my computer to participate in a virtual conference for the “Hard Conversations” course. We watched a clip from the 1994 movie “The Color of Fear,” in which a mixed-race group of North American men gathered for a dialog about the state of race relations in America. In this clip, we saw an African American man named Victor Lewis become passionate as he spoke about his experience. Finally, he yelled across the room to the white men: "I'm not willing to trust you until you're as willing to be as changed and affected by my experience and transformed by my experience as I am every day by yours."

Silence. The white people in the video listened, deeply, and so did I. It hurt. Just sitting there, twenty years later, my blood pressure rose and my throat tightened. I wanted desperately to scroll through Facebook rather than finish watching the video. But I sat there and listened, because deep listening matters. I took in his words, with humility, as truth. I am beginning to know what I don’t know about systemic racism, and I’ve started listening deeply enough to be changed.

Listening is not always enough. Sometimes a particular situation demands not just our empathy, but also a reply or immediate action to avert danger or harm. But as we speak and act in service of equality for all people, we must keep listening, deeply, to let their experience and voices guide our action, rather than our own ego and judgments.

Deep listening can’t bring back a loved one, or years lost to pain and anger. But it can lessen suffering, making space for connection, healing and hope. And if we listen deeply enough to be transformed, we might learn how to walk forward together.

Will you pray with me?

O God of the true Light that lighteth all the people of the world: please give me the strength to listen, deeply, to the joy and pain of others, including people I already know and people whose stories I have yet to hear. Give me the strength and humility to seek out these stories, to hear them and be transformed. And when the time comes to speak out, direct my words and actions by your grace toward peace and equality for all. Amen.

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[1] http://charlestonwv.quaker.org/meeting-the-spirit.html   

Winter Solstice

Today is the shortest day of the year, and I welcome the darkness. It conjures my childhood in New England, safe in my parents home. Also the long days of studying for college exams, my anxious brain fully occupied by the rigors of organic chemistry. And then, huddling by the heater in our Maine apartment, ocean view through icy windows. 

Darkness is for hibernation and reflection, for waiting and for resting. But for many, the longest nights are the hardest, long lonely stretches without the warmth and companionship of sunlight. Sometimes the hope is hard to feel. So I offer this reading, adapted from sermons by Bill Dols and Douglas S. Long:

Since forever, the winter solstice has marked that moment in darkness when the light is reborn. The world tilts, the days slowly begin to lengthen again, and a glimmer of hope appears. When the morning solstice light first strikes, the dead of winter is past and the god of life is returning.

The truth of light breaking through at the darkest hour of the longest night spans history and crosses continents. It is also as close as the sighing of a broken heart when a dream is shattered, a hope broken, a promise violated and trust breached, a marriage unraveling or dead, a body aching and diseased, and when death comes to claim those who we love and need the most. The sacred moment is not when darkness flees or vanishes but when finally, after a long winter, the light is rekindled in the darkness and even the dimmest possibility of new life awakens.

The dimmest possibility of new life... that seems achievable. We are not waiting for perfect. We are waiting for hope.

This week I found great hope in the idea of kindness. Sometimes I can't muster love, or even acceptance, and this feels like a failure. But even through the hazy lens of self-centeredness, I can often muster some kindness. On the receiving end, it feels a lot like love.

This year I had the great privilege of turning inward and offering myself some kindness, in the form of honesty and writing this blog and engaging a whole team of doctors and therapists. I found some answers, with names like sensory processing disorder and (most recently) under-treated hypothyroidism. And this is all good. This is not a tragedy, and I'm getting better.

Thank you to each friend, known and unknown, for the kindness of reading along. You are not alone, and neither am I.

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Everywhere and Back Again

I am officially back. Not just at home, but BACK: showing up for this life, in which I am many things--sensitive and smart and mentally ill and also brave.

Summer in north Florida doesn't actually end until mid-October. But down here, everyone goes back to school in mid-August. Because what else is there to do, really, in this heat? So as of this week, my summer is officially over. And it was a big one.

Japan, 2001

Summer 2014 was my most ambitious since Summer 2001, in which my long-distance boyfriend (now husband) and I graduated from our respective colleges, toured Asia for five weeks, and then moved to Maine together, with no jobs. It was awesome and also awful. All of these crazy transitions kicked my anxiety and sensory issues into high gear, and at the time we didn't understand the symptoms or know what to do about it.

This summer I was on the road for around five weeks, spread between five different trips. The biggest adventure was 10 days in South America (Colombia), immersed in one of the most beautiful landscapes I've ever seen. It was my first international trip in eight years (Cancun doesn't count), and our first with the kids. The kids also came with me on a roadtrip to North Carolina, and we closed out the summer with beach and family time in southern NJ.

Colombia, 2014

So how did we do, with all this travel and stress and excitement? Overall: pretty damn good.

The kids were interested and excited and generally flexible. They managed to eat and sleep well in many different settings. I kept up with exercise and took my meds and napped and went to bed early. I practiced telling friends and travel companions what I needed to stay sane, even when it seemed lame. On the road trip I was able to bring my weighted blanked ("heavy blankie"), 15 pounds of awesome that helps me feel calm and sleep better. My stress-related ailments were limited to a brief emotional breakdown, a round of cold sores and some extra hair loss.

Yes, okay, my body is calling "time out" on travel. But it was all very worth it. We came home physically weary but deeply refreshed.

The whole thing was a victory, really. A triumph over the previous six months of physical and emotional pain. And though it is hot as hell here, I can still feel the cool breezes of the Andes, the evening chill in my parents' backyard, and the salty cold of the shore.

This is Not a Tragedy

 

We don't have brain space for everything, and the human memory is notoriously inaccurate, which is actually fine by me. It's more about the style of internal movie you want to create. I'm going for an "indie comedy" that is actually funny and ultimately upbeat, rather than an ultra depressing production that really should just be called a "weird drama."

My internal curator, the one who controls how I record my life in memories, has a rather dark world view. He wears a brown '70s suit and smokes a cigar in a darkened room while watching the movie reel of my life. His job is to decide which segments are important and how intensely they will be remembered. Unfortunately for me, his primary artistic themes are fear, rejection, and shame. Some particularly bright memories make the cut just for contrast, but mostly he selects material about how things went wrong.

This guy fancies himself a pragmatist, but I think he's just scared, and maybe with good reason. He is trying to protect, in the only way he knows how, those exiled parts of me that are deeply wounded from a lifetime of anxiety and hyper-sensitivity ("Sensory Processing Disorder"). So he weaves a cautionary tale via memories like:

• The way that friendships ended.
• My long dark days as a new mother. 
• Rejection by high school crushes. 
• Recoiling from my partner's touch, unsafe in my own skin. 
• The sensory overload of the city.  
• Getting teased on the bus. 
• Chronic pain, both physical and emotional.

Okay so no one's life is perfect. And there is value in remembering and learning from pain. But in my case the curator has gone way overboard on this point. He has neglected the fact that my story is also, and more generally, one of good fortune and abundant love. Even light-heartedness and joy! My photo albums and memorabilia support this side of the tale. Sometimes I come across a forgotten old picture and am blown away by both the happiness of that memory AND the fact that I ever forgot it. Thank goodness for physical documentation of all my sweet and hilarious people and experiences. And thank goodness for the family and friends who have remained in my life or showed up again, even in passing, reflecting back a happier "me" than I can see from the inside.

I've just started trying to rework the memory reel to bring back more of the good stuff. I'm also trying to celebrate the best of the present as it happens, deliberately recording it in full color for posterity.

Because this--my life--is not a tragedy. This is a funny, heartwarming, and ultimately upbeat indie comedy.

Do you hear me, cigar-smoking movie guy? YOU'RE UNDER NEW DIRECTION.